Angry Lists of Venting.

Somethings I hate:

• Being cold.
• This stupid never-ending winter.
• Spending all day with a family that isn't mine.
• When my boyfriend doesn't walk me to the door.
• When me and my boyfriend start to spend too much time together.
• Sleeping on the floor because my room won't be fixed until summer.
• Feeling like I don't belong anywhere, and sleeping on the floor reaffirms that feeling.
• Feeling like I'm putting all my dreams away for him. I'm supposed to be in Hawaii right now.
• Making lists about things I hate because my life isn't that bad
• Driving in this stupid weather because I know I will crash.
• Thinking about studying abroad and then realizing I'm one of two and going back to daily routine.
• Mostly, I hate feeling out of place. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I want to live where I feel belonged, where I have a bed, where I look forward to coming home to. I can't afford anything.
• Not having a best friend that I can talk to about any of this.

Today he asked me if I would be sad because I probably won't be able to go on the next Europe trip and why.
"I don't know, it's Europe and I love Europe," is what I said.
"But then you can stay here with me," he said.

And it got me thinking about all the things I wanted to do. I was supposed to go to Brazil and do volunteer work this summer. I was supposed to transfer to University of Hawaii this spring. I wanted to study abroad in Europe for a semester or year. I guess I'm feeling held back.

And I feel guilty when I think like that, so I go back to being a Stepford.