Apologies

I'm about to make a big word sandwich and eat it

Oh how I messed up. I've officially ruined the first half of 2010.
It was supposed to be my year.

I'll be home at the halfway mark, and hopefully I can get things back on track.

Which includes my diet-to-engagement plan. If I can get down to my goal weight, I can get engaged.

LET'S DO THIS.

SOMETIMES...as in mostly today/yesterday...I think I may have made the dumbest mistake in my life.

I miss him so much.
I make ONE mistake and I feel like such a failure.
Future-roommate is making it sound like I've caused all her financial woes.
I have no job, and finding one is a bitch.
I'm going to get behind in payments.
BLAGHARGH THIS IS SHIIIIIIIT

I've grown in the last few months. More importantly, I've grown exponentially just today.

You have to fight in a relationship. I know the goal is to never fight, but once a big one happens, everything you've held in for the last two years comes out.

I am a selfish person. It sucks that I'm realizing this right as I am about to leave but I'm trying so hard to change.

I told him tonight, "You fought for me. Now it's my turn to fight for you."

Every love story is a bit epic, no matter the person.

Hello Blog.
Been a while since I've been here.
I guess that's because things are awesome. Never better in fact.
Living together was just what the doctor ordered.
I can't imagine things going better than they are.

I've been bitten by the jealousy bug.
BAD.
His BF just got engaged. The fiance is already planning her wedding on Fbook.
I'm ready. I want my turn.
I've spent all day looking at wedding blogs and googling pictures.
I have colors picked out.
Gray and yellow.

I don't know what he's waiting for.
Money for a ring?
I don't even care about a ring at this point.
I just want to be married.

I thought that once we decided we loved each other, I figured that would be the last of the strong, new emotions I would feel. I understand I would encounter blinding happiness from a wedding, having children, and eventual loss when I lost someone close to me. But I never thought he would be that loss.

Waiting is painful. Knowing that what we have won't exist in a couple of months is torture. I've never felt more alone in a break up before. This feels one sided.

Trying to deal with future feelings is so confusing. I feel guilty for looking forward to meeting new people because we are still together. I have to remind myself of all the things I hate about our relationship just so this is easier.

Part of me wants to get this over with and leave right now. I don't want to wait anymore. However, my heart hurts at the thought. We need to spend more time together, he says. But he's always busy...it's not like he can wait for me, I don't do anything. My days are wide open.

We have to have faith that we'll find our way back to each other. But what if we don't? That's another emotion of fear I can't even comprehend.

It's official

I have a breakup to look forward to in June.

Fuck me.

Fear

And I know we'll break up before I go :(

"My mom doesn't think we should do long distance."

"Why?"

"Because she said it's not fair..." he hesitated for a second, "it's not fair to either of us."

I'm sure she'll get her wish. Whatever.

I CAN DO NO RIGHT BY ANYBODY.

I've played the silent game with my mom the past few days, apparently my trips and moves are a bad idea, he's been dancing around this subject, and now his mother thinks it a good idea for us to break up.

And I think I didn't do well on my math test.

I wish someone didn't think of me as a selfish failure. It would feel good for a change.